The Color Green

There are times that I look back on the night you stopped listening.

There are days that I am filled with regret.

But I wonder, did you ever think of me? Did you know that the actions you were making were ones I wouldn’t forget?

Did you stop to consider how a laugh could be worse than silence?

How that might make me react?

Well of course you did, because that’s what you wish from me, it’s such a simple task.

Why is it that your mistakes are explained, and apologized out of my present mind,

But mine are all too imperfect?

Why is it that when I’m lost in myself you're disappointed at what I can’t find,

But when I look at you all I see is someone who’s worth it?

I tell my mind I’m too hard on you when I venture to feel the pain of the past.

But then I remember what happens, each time my mistakes have disrupted our path.

I remember the phone calls, the park, and the stars.

I remember the pain in my voice, the sound of humming cars.

I remember how impassive you were when you said you’d found an outside source

As if my word could not be trusted, as if you didn’t need to feel remorse.

I know you’re hard to love, and that the best things are not easy,

But that is not an umbrella you can hide under, your excuses will not appease me.

I know some part of me has come to grow cold,

And I thought I knew what caused it, maybe I’m just getting old?

But now it occurs to me that the fault lies partly in your hands,

The way I hid my anger and pain to try and see where we stand.

The hiding is on me, but the pain is on you,

It occurs to me that hurting each other is all we seem to do.

So no one can place this entirely on you, nor entirely on me,

Why is it that the only thing calming,

Is the color green.

(published 2020)