The Future 3 Years From Then

Back then, yes all the way back then, I knew

That decisions I was making were solely for you.

Everyone told me it was a mistake,

I said even if it was, that was a chance I would take.

A chance to lie in the snow, even though it never snows,

A chance to find love, and not regret

A chance to build memories, and not forget.

And I did it, and I don’t

I don’t regret loving you

Even though you said it was pointless,

That you’d never do it again.

Even though you want to forget, you want to go back.

Tell yourself the future 3 years from then.

Go back and talk about the pain,

How we sat there for hours and stabbed each other.

How despite all the effort, I was never your true lover.

I was never the one you wanted.

“Standard my ass”

And I stand by that sentence,

How can you call me the standard

When you never cried when it ended?

“I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you”

I wish those words had truly been for me

And not just copy pasted from a speech you gave last week.

She ignored you, and I should have too

I should have ignored you all the way back to June.

“June” someone else who mattered to you,

More than I ever did.

Do you think you would have listened?

That even then you knew,

That I was someone you would love

Way less than I loved you?

Do you think it would’ve mattered

The unfolding of events?

That maybe you’d try to change it

That it would have the same end?

I think it would.

Because no amount of knowledge

Could change the fact that you don’t care

No number of warnings would lessen the heavy load you bear.

This poem is all over the place,

It’s just like my mind

Reminiscing on thoughts of you

Wishing you were kind.

Wishing that you cared,

That this is some twisted dream

That this is the future 3 years from now,

And that I am still 16.

(published 2021)